i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
