I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
