he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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