So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
