so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
