I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
