I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize