Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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