Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
