you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
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