I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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