Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
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