Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
You ruined the universe
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
