Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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