I'm really into asian looking animals
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
