Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Randomize
