I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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