I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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