I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
