What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
