There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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