So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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