okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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