well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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