he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Randomize
