You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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