There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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