So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
