You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
