I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
