My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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