I murdered the dance floor call the cops
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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