He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
