White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
