I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
