summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
