I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
