I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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