So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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