finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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