my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
im on a boat
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