Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
