I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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