Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
