dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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