Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Randomize
