i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
