when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize