you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
