so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize