I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
