I am midnight drunk by noon
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
