Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
