im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
