I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Randomize
