i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
