I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
vagina is talking i cant
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
