Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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