I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Randomize
