it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
